May 14th, 2021

liberty mutual sense-make

Hi. I'm still here. Still.

Yeah, I haven't posted in a while. But at least that's better than posting really stupid entries like I usually do, right?

I've been feeling REALLY bad lately about how bad I am at wording things. Over the last few months, I seem to be coming across as angry when I'm not more often than usual - even in non-pandemic-related conversations now. :(

About a year ago, I posted here about how while I've made a lot of mistakes and worded things really badly in my recent entries, it's still nothing compared to my much older entries. But it's been pointed out to me (and I've also realized on my own) that my recent entries aren't really much better after all - in fact, I may even be getting WORSE at making sense and not coming across as rude or angry or accidentally hurting others' feelings. Not to mention the excuse that I was younger and didn't know better no longer applies - if it was even a valid excuse to begin with (I've seen people get judged or hated for things they said decades ago).

I feel like no matter how hard I try to be a good person, I'm forever doomed to be a bad person because of all my mistakes (which I can probably only be forgiven for, like, two or three of). In fact, I probably got to this point BEFORE the pandemic. I certainly dug myself even deeper into that hole during the pandemic, but by 2018 or 2019 (maybe even early 2017) I was already at the point that I couldn't get out. :(

I've talked to my sister about things like this and she says that the fact that I'm not great at coping with stress doesn't mean I'm a bad person; it means I'm a person with autism who doesn't handle stress well. If that's true, then why have I so often been seen (often times BY others with autism) as a bad person for simply being unable to word things perfectly or control my emotions perfectly in stressful situations?