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Whatever Matt Feels Like Posting

This is where I post my incoherent ramblings. It's where I post the coherent ones, too!


July 14th, 2011

Stuff I've learned over the years @ 10:01 pm

Right now I am annoyingly: nostalgic nostalgic
Soundtrack: Mario Party - Peach's Birthday Cake and Sarah McLachlan - Black at the same time
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I decided about a year or so ago that on my 18th birthday, I'd post a long(ish) list of lessons I've learned lthrough the lyears. (yes, I stole that gag from Homestar Runner) I have no idea how I managed to stop procrastinating it long enough to write it before then, especially since I started on June 20, but apparently I did...YAY!!!

If something's in gray, it means that fortunately, I never (to my knowledge) said or did anything indicating that I had the given misunderstanding or whatever until after I had already learned otherwise, but had a particular situation happened, I probably would have.

These are roughly sorted from least to most stupid. In other words, it's probably a good idea to stop when they start to regularly weird you out ;) Also, I have more regrets than this, but there are many that I can't word well enough to post here; plus, since I started this June 20, it also reduces the list to 25 days' worth of memories. (I just now remembered to add #15!)

EDIT: I remembered another one that I've been meaning to include, and since no one's commented yet, I say I still have time to add it as the new #18.

30) No, there is not an alligator under your parents' bed.

29) "A letter to God" is only a decent explanation of prayer to those who already know who God is (other than the fact that He lives in Heaven and so does Jesus) and don't write the exact same letters to their family over and over. It's possible that even God isn't quite sure how I had expected Him to respond to "Dear God, How are you? From, Matt", since I certainly don't know.

28) Dido (the singer) has nothing to do with Ditto (the Pokémon).

27) On Halloween, when someone asks "Who are you?", they're probably referring to your costume and not your real name. (In retrospect, though, there has to be someone who plays Pokémon that has a Pikachu named Matt :P )

26) There's a difference between a crush and a girlfriend. A huge difference, in fact.

25) ICQ requires users to be 13 or older. If you have it at age 7, it's because your mom (or whoever set up your account) left the age in your profile blank. Besides, your 13th birthday actually comes sooner than you'd think.

24) There is nothing illegal about eating hamburgers under the age of 18.

23) In the Strong Bad E-mail "couch patch", The Poopsmith's uniform says "HAS MATT?" as a pun on "HAZMAT"; it does not use the name of the person currently at the computer, so it would not show up as "HAS JENN?" OR "HAS JENNIFER?" for pathvain_aelien, etc.

22) "Appetite" is not a cuss word.

21) No matter how many times you say "really" when telling your English teacher "I really, really...really, really don't want to do this", you're still gonna have to write that short story.

20) No, you won't randomly happen to find miniature versions of the video game (or other) character(s) you are currently obsessed with in real life, whether that's the Mario Bros. (in Super Mario World style), Mr. Game & Watch, a bunch of Unown, etc. The closest you can get is either the Nintendo 3DS's Augmented Reality cards or whatever editing was done to make this video:

Or perhaps this one - it's much less like what I was talking about, but I had to post it because it's pretty funny:

This video is to the second video as the second video is to the first:

And yet another hilarious video. I'd better either start procrastinating with something else or get back to writing this list before I start posting Internet memes...


19) No matter how many times you say the word "considering" before the word "suicide" (i.e. "considering considering considering considering considering considering suicide") online, for the rest of your life everyone will act like you're already slitting your wrists, even if you decided soon afterwards that you weren't quite as serious as you thought you were at the time.

18) The wind blowing a bride teddy bear away from a groom teddy bear is not a good reason to make a divorce joke at a wedding.

17) Violence means people killing each other, not the police preventing people from killing each other.

16) This does not mean that you'll be kicked out of school just for mentioning Homestar Runner.

15) "Flamers" doesn't necessarily mean "people who start flame wars".

14) A high school (or was it a college?) with brick walls like a castle is very unlikely to be (i.e., definitely not) an actual castle, much less a "scary" one.

13) The "no boys" rule that lots of girls' birthday parties have is not a very good reason to want to be a girl.

12) There is no clothing material that rapidly flashes colors and can be made into a Starman T-shirt with the power to kill terrorists. And anyone who thinks that such a material could be made probably doesn't know the location of any terrorists or how to travel to their countries either, so why bother? (Note: in the entry I linked to, I say that I wanted to find an actual Starman instead, but that was only because I felt the need to make my 8-year-old worldview seem at least slightly less dumb)

11) When the speaker in Chapel says that the Bible is a way to communicate with God, that does not mean to open a Bible and hold it to your ear like a phone.

10) The words "love equipment" are actually way more perverted-sounding than they seem to a 1st grader who has a crush on a classmate and is also obsessed with words containing the letter Q. (At least, now that I think about it, I have a phrase for FoxReplace to replace terms referring to reproductive organs with! :) )

9) It is highly unlikely that a police officer would be interested in a virtual pet site, so it's definitely not a good idea to tell them about Neopets after being pulled over, especially since it'll seem like an unusually strange bribe. I am SOOOO lucky I was never actually pulled over (and might not have even been driving) back when I was into Neopets...

8) Some comics just should not be posted online. Like PrtSc Land, for instance.

7) If you're gonna put such a comic online, at least don't self-promote or reference it in places where it is guaranteed not to be understood, like in school homework.

6) And if you're gonna do that, then at least don't make posts on the Homestar Runner Wiki Forum referencing rejected strips without clarifying who or what "Matnya" is. (For the record, Matnya is a hypothetical character with my head and Enya's body and clothes, inspired by the phrase "Are You Enya?" in an ad for a "which celebrity are you" quiz. Not Matt/Enya shippers in the nonexistent PrtSc Land fandom [especially since, ironically, not one strip in the original offline PrtSc Land referenced my crush on Enya], and very not a Pokémon.)

5) Yes, you may be wearing a red school uniform shirt, and yes, you may be wearing a translucent white lab apron over it, and yes, mixing red and white paint makes pink, and yes, Princess Peach wears pink, but under no circumstances do the uniform and lab apron together make you look like Princess Peach. Especially if you're a guy with short brown hair.

4) If you meet someone online who you are convinced is your #1 celebrity crush, asking whether or not they really are won't help you figure out whether or not they are. And, if you do so and then apologize for asking such a stupid question and acting like an overly obsessed fan, try not to continue to act like an overly obsessed fan later on.

3) Try not to use Facebook Chat. It unfairly accuses people of sending spam. And if you do use it and it accuses you of sending spam, and the block notification somehow sends you into an unnecessarily melodramatic depression that you decide to post about elsewhere, then keep backups of the screenshot you take of it so you don't have to attempt to send another message to get the same notification for a new screenshot. The second notification is even more serious and will send you into an even more melodramatic depression.

2) Don't call ideas you have that keep distracting you from everything important "creative tumors" (use "creative vortexes" instead), and especially don't write a post about them with anything like "I need my tumors surgically removed...and uploaded to LJ" as the subject line. People won't immediately notice the "and uploaded to LJ" part and will end up briefly thinking that one of their friends is actually needing surgery every time they read the subject line.

1) Most importantly, while a voluntary cure for autism would be good in theory, it would probably turn out like Prohibition because all the regulations that would be necessary to prevent anything bad from happening would be difficult to enforce. THAT'S the reason why the apocalypse happens whenever a cure for autism is mentioned in an autism community. It's not just because people don't realize that it doesn't have to be involuntary. Therefore, it's best to just not mention it at all rather than try to emphasize "voluntary" as much as possible.


 
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Comments

 
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From:matt1993
Date:July 15th, 2011 05:37 pm (UTC)
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In addition to what I mentioned in my birthday post, pathvain_aelien, a friend of hers, a friend of mine, and I all went to see Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Part 2 last night. 'Twas awesome! :)

Edited at 2011-07-15 05:38 pm (UTC)
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From:karla_somebody
Date:July 16th, 2011 12:12 am (UTC)
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loved number 28
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From:matt1993
Date:July 16th, 2011 12:17 am (UTC)
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Thanks!
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From:karla_somebody
Date:July 16th, 2011 12:26 am (UTC)
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and sorry...I don't know if it bothers you that I added you even if I don't know you, but I found amazing and quite funny that you have a glossary (wich by the way is awesome!).
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From:matt1993
Date:July 16th, 2011 01:17 am (UTC)
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Oh, I don't mind at all!

And thanks! I haven't updated my glossary in a while, though, because I've been planning on moving it to a sticky post in my journal so I can put it under a LJ-cut. (Which I guess doesn't really justify not updating it in a while, but eh.)
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From:karla_somebody
Date:July 16th, 2011 01:37 am (UTC)
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Well that sounds like something I wouldn't even try, I kind of useless (reason why my LJ is dead), but I'll be looking forward to the new additions on your glossary:)

and love the icon haha
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From:matt1993
Date:July 16th, 2011 01:57 am (UTC)
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Thanks! :)
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From:eccentricrabbit
Date:July 17th, 2011 08:55 pm (UTC)
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18) The wind blowing a bride teddy bear away from a groom teddy bear is not a good reason to make a divorce joke at a wedding. -- LOL. Wicked. I would have made a divorce joke..
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From:matt1993
Date:July 17th, 2011 08:58 pm (UTC)
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I wish I hadn't :(
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From:eccentricrabbit
Date:July 17th, 2011 09:01 pm (UTC)
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What happened when you did?
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From:matt1993
Date:July 17th, 2011 09:06 pm (UTC)
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Well, fortunately, it wasn't as bad as it could have been - I think the only person who noticed was pathvain_aelien, who told me that it wasn't such a good idea. And since I had kinda figured that all along, I instantly regretted it.
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From:pathvain_aelien
Date:July 20th, 2011 09:22 am (UTC)
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Wow.
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From:matt1993
Date:July 21st, 2011 01:24 am (UTC)
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Wow at what about it, exactly?
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From:glowing_dragon
Date:June 8th, 2012 01:10 am (UTC)
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I'm sorry, but #5 made me laugh. Not that I was laughing at you, of course! :)
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From:matt1993
Date:June 8th, 2012 01:49 am (UTC)
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I understand :)
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From:glowing_dragon
Date:June 8th, 2012 01:54 am (UTC)
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Oh good. I didn't want you to think I was laughing at you, and possibly make you feel worse. :)

Whatever Matt Feels Like Posting

This is where I post my incoherent ramblings. It's where I post the coherent ones, too!