charlie the unicorn bad connection

Tell my Wi-Fi want a divorce





I've kinda been able to use the Internet with my phone as a hotspot, but WHY DOES MY LAPTOP RANDOMLY REFUSE TO DETECT MY PHONE'S SIGNAL FOR NO APPARENT REASON?!?!?!?!

Yeah, I'm declaring myself to still be 27. My birthday this year DOES NOT count as a birthday.

Rejection sensitive dysphoria again

I've made a couple of posts about rejection sensitive dysphoria already but since I came across another video about it, and it sounded A LOT like me, I figured I should post it as well. Just to give you all a bit more perspective on why I said certain things, thought people were mad at me when they might not be, and turned into such a terrible person during the pandemic no matter how much I tried to be a good person.

dib jibblies (dibblies?)

Never sleeping again

I've neglected to mention this in here until now, but one of the things I've been told about my anxiety is that I will feel better if I got more sleep at night and got on a regular sleep schedule. Unfortunately, I've been unable to get onto one no matter how much I try.

And even if I did, how is that supposed to work if the only dreams I have anymore are dreams that people hate me for how I feel about masks, social distancing, pandemic shaming, and wanting things to be back to normal eventually? O_O

Those are, without a doubt, THE most terrifying dreams I could POSSIBLY have. I still have PTSD over EACH AND EVERY time someone has been mad or even irritated with me over how I feel about the pandemic and restrictions. ABSOLUTELY NOTHING is scarier to me than the thought of people hating me for that. (Please don't lecture me over how that should not be the scariest thing to me. That is not how you make it less scary for me - lecturing me about anything related to the pandemic makes it MORE scary to me.)

It's scary enough living in this reality, where I'm only 95% sure that by the time the pandemic is over I'll have unintentionally offended half of my friends (both online and IRL) to the point of them hating me forever. I don't want to have another dream like those ever again! I'm seriously considering never sleeping again until the pandemic is over. I may or may not follow through with that (after all I'm a bit drowsy right now and may very well go to bed soon), but I figured I should give you a better idea of how UTTERLY TERRIFYING the idea of being hated over the pandemic is for me. (EDIT: Well, I did end up going to bed after all. At 5 AM, but still. I don't remember what my dreams were, but they must have been better than the ones from the previous night. But, again, the fact reminds that I am so terrified of being hated for anything related to the pandemic that I was briefly considering staying awake forever to avoid having dreams where that happened.)

For more on why this is the case, here's a couple of earlier entries where I found out that there's a term for the type of anxiety I have (rejection sensitive dysphoria):

LJ links:
DW links:
charlie the unicorn bad connection


So... Remember all those times when I panicked because LJ or DW or some other site I like (or sometimes not even one I like!) went down for a few minutes or hours and I thought it might turn out to be a permanent outage? Remember when sometimes I even thought it might be an indication that the entire Internet might go down?

That's because I was afraid that something like what happened TODAY would happen.

I know some of you thought I was overreacting those times when I saw websites go down temporarily. Even I eventually looked back on those times and thought I was overreacting. But, apparently, I was right after all - it IS possible for hundreds of websites to go down at once without warning. I know they're claiming that the issue has been fixed, but has it REALLY been fixed? Apparently some sites are still experiencing issues hours later. Those hours could turn into weeks or even years. And even if the entire issue IS resolved, how do we know it won't happen again?!

(pathvain_aelien, I know you told me that websites go down all the time and it's not a big deal. But this IS different! It's usually not HUNDREDS of websites all at once! Look it up!)

We should all be scared. VERY scared. HOW IS ANYONE CALM ABOUT THIS?!


Will the pandemic ever ACTUALLY end? Like, these days about 80% of the time it feels like things are improving enough that the pandemic will actually end, maybe even this year. But this is part of the other 20%. Because I STILL see people who think the pandemic will never actually end, which leads to me worrying that they could be right.

And will my PTSD over all the shaming that's happened ever end? I STILL am reminded a lot that so many awful people actually think that hugs and handshakes etc. SHOULD be forbidden forever and that people need to stop expecting anything to go back to normal. I'm still reminded a lot that people get angry at each other just for travelling AT ALL, even when complying with guidelines as best they can.

(Something I should have clarified a long time ago but I don't think I have yet: Many people have told me that it's more common that people get yelled at or scolded FOR wearing a mask, or FOR complying with other guidelines, etc. than the reverse. That's probably true. But the reverse does happen as well, and because of my social anxiety and my PTSD over the era when it seemed plausible that NOTHING would return to normal, the reverse is A LOT more terrifying to me personally. Does that make more sense?)

I need help. Now. I need someone to talk to who understands me. If you know of anything that can help me feel better, or any actual proof that the restrictions won't last forever, or anything that can help me feel like I'm NOT a bad person for having wanted things to not be cancelled or delayed so that I wouldn't end up having PTSD, etc., please let me know. Even if you feel like you'd be repeating yourself if you told me that things will get better or that I'm not a bad person.

I wish I didn't depend on validation from others so much just to not be depressed. :(
liberty mutual sense-make

Hi. I'm still here. Still.

Yeah, I haven't posted in a while. But at least that's better than posting really stupid entries like I usually do, right?

I've been feeling REALLY bad lately about how bad I am at wording things. Over the last few months, I seem to be coming across as angry when I'm not more often than usual - even in non-pandemic-related conversations now. :(

About a year ago, I posted here about how while I've made a lot of mistakes and worded things really badly in my recent entries, it's still nothing compared to my much older entries. But it's been pointed out to me (and I've also realized on my own) that my recent entries aren't really much better after all - in fact, I may even be getting WORSE at making sense and not coming across as rude or angry or accidentally hurting others' feelings. Not to mention the excuse that I was younger and didn't know better no longer applies - if it was even a valid excuse to begin with (I've seen people get judged or hated for things they said decades ago).

I feel like no matter how hard I try to be a good person, I'm forever doomed to be a bad person because of all my mistakes (which I can probably only be forgiven for, like, two or three of). In fact, I probably got to this point BEFORE the pandemic. I certainly dug myself even deeper into that hole during the pandemic, but by 2018 or 2019 (maybe even early 2017) I was already at the point that I couldn't get out. :(

I've talked to my sister about things like this and she says that the fact that I'm not great at coping with stress doesn't mean I'm a bad person; it means I'm a person with autism who doesn't handle stress well. If that's true, then why have I so often been seen (often times BY others with autism) as a bad person for simply being unable to word things perfectly or control my emotions perfectly in stressful situations?

LiveJournal is 22 today! (well, yesterday)

Domain was registered on April 15, 1999. The same year, the cult movie "The Matrix" was released, the 6 billionth inhabitant of the Earth was born in the city of Sarajevo, and Britney Spears' debut single Baby One More Time topped the world charts.
On April 15, 2021 LiveJournal turns 22 years old! LiveJournal celebrates its birthday and gives you a card with a bright event that happened the year you started your blog!

What happened in your life the year you started your blog?

To answer that question, 2007 was when I started high school, and I probably got the Wii that year and was looking forward to Super Mario Galaxy and Super Smash Bros. Brawl. And I first joined the IRL autism social skills group that I was a part of for a while. 2006-2008 was of course when I was also way too obsessed with a certain "funny"-screenshot-gallery-turned-crossover-comic that I used to write, and 2007 was when I put it online for the first time. And while I had already been a fan of Enya's music, 2007 was the first time I saw photos of her, which makes that when I first started to develop a crush on her. :) Also, am I lame for having never seen Lost?

Interesting how LJ came up with a meme involving years like this just now - recently I figured out that creating a Spotify account was easier than I expected it to be, so I did, and I decided to listen to all of the "Top Hits of <year>" playlists from the year I was born to the present in order. In fact, by doing so I learned that Baby One More Time was released in 1999 just before LJ mentioned it in this meme. :) (I do remember Britney Spears being popular during my childhood; I just didn't know the exact year any of her songs were released)

Those of you who created your account in 2016, 2020, or 2021: What did you get? Hopefully something good. I really hope this meme sticks to its word and lists a bright event for EVERY year, instead of doing the already overdone jokes about those years. I hate that people STILL get judged for enjoying 2016/2020 or enjoying anything about them or having looked forward to them. :(
homestar essence of gullibility

April Fools?

I was hoping to do something unexpected on here for April Fools' Day this year, but there's more than enough anxious, cringeworthy entries in my journal lately as it is. No need for me to MAKE UP something to be disproportionately excited and/or anxious about like I did for the majority of my past April Fools jokes.

These days, writing a regular entry by 2009-2019 standards - like, an entry about good/ordinary things in my life or random things I found online - might just be the most unexpected thing I could possibly do on LJ or DW.

So, THAT'S my April Fools prank this year! A REGULAR entry! :) (note: I'm posting it early this year in case this ends up the last opportunity I have to post an entry prior to April 2)


This week my sister pathvain_aelien came over to visit, so I'm glad to see her again for the first time since June! Which itself was the last time since April! I've been meaning to post about both of those visits. And during the April visit in particular, I was hoping to post about how we watched some movies I've been wanting to see like Toy Story 4 and the live-action Christopher Robin movie. :)

My friend and I went to Six Flags last October, and to Las Vegas earlier this month! Both of those were fun. (or at least the closest approximation of fun that I could experience in those relative timeframes) :)

Last May, Mom bought me three new amiibo (Pichu, Dark Samus, and Simon) so that I would have "something to do besides worry" as she put it. And for my birthday I got Donkey Kong (Mario series version), Daisy (Smash Bros. version), Richter, and Incineroar, then for Christmas I got King K. Rool, Snake, Wolf, Chrom, and Hero. :D (The full list of amiibo I own is here)

Here's some random things I've been meaning to show you: - AI-generated music in the style of various artists, or even combinations of two artists' styles! Sadly there are no examples with either video game music or Enya - the two I most wanted to combine. But there's several examples with Céline Dion, and a Moya Brennan one and a Sarah McLachlan one, so I'm happy about that :) I think this is my favorite of the ones I've heard. - AI-generated images! I think the clock and sign ones are interesting especially. And the ones where Pikachu is among the options. Too bad I don't see a way to type in my own prompts - I'd like to try the Pikachu ones with the rest of the Smash Bros. characters and/or other random characters too. :) - Not AI-generated, but weird enough that at first I thought it might be. A blog where this guy draws Garfield in the shape of every Pokémon. EVERY Pokémon. (well, the first 279 so far, anyway) The results are sometimes hilarious, sometimes disturbing, sometimes a bit of both!

And I found this funny video a while back:

*April Fools! Heehee. I liked this idea too much to waste it entirely. :)

Rejection sensitive dysphoria, part 2

First off, did anyone see my previous entry? I say it's worth a read, since that entry serves as an explanation for the majority of my past entries, probably the majority of my future entries, and basically my entire personality. If you've ever wondered "why does Matt1993 _____?", that entry probably explains it.

I also came across this video today and it resonated with me very well:

I've been in the red a LOT lately last year, and sometimes even this year. A lot of my latest entries were unfortunately written while I was in the red. :(