bowser green pipe

Mario Party Multiverse

I came across a couple of videos where this guy tries to play multiple Mario Party games at the same time, with the same inputs going to all the games at once. It gets crazy sometimes! Kind of reminds me of that series I found and shared here about a decade* ago where a different guy tries to play Super Mario World and Super Mario Bros. 3 at the same time in a similar way.

homsar's skull

14 years

Tomorrow will mark the 14th anniversary of my LiveJournal.

But at this point, I don't think that's worth celebrating. Because I don't think that's a GOOD thing. It means I've been saying stupid things online that I can never be forgiven for for 14 whole years now. I should've quit when I found out just how stupid all my past entries are. :(
charlie the unicorn bad connection

Tell my Wi-Fi want a divorce





I've kinda been able to use the Internet with my phone as a hotspot, but WHY DOES MY LAPTOP RANDOMLY REFUSE TO DETECT MY PHONE'S SIGNAL FOR NO APPARENT REASON?!?!?!?!

Yeah, I'm declaring myself to still be 27. My birthday this year DOES NOT count as a birthday.

Rejection sensitive dysphoria again

I've made a couple of posts about rejection sensitive dysphoria already but since I came across another video about it, and it sounded A LOT like me, I figured I should post it as well. Just to give you all a bit more perspective on why I said certain things, thought people were mad at me when they might not be, and turned into such a terrible person during the pandemic no matter how much I tried to be a good person.

dib jibblies (dibblies?)

Never sleeping again

I've neglected to mention this in here until now, but one of the things I've been told about my anxiety is that I will feel better if I got more sleep at night and got on a regular sleep schedule. Unfortunately, I've been unable to get onto one no matter how much I try.

And even if I did, how is that supposed to work if the only dreams I have anymore are dreams that people hate me for how I feel about masks, social distancing, pandemic shaming, and wanting things to be back to normal eventually? O_O

Those are, without a doubt, THE most terrifying dreams I could POSSIBLY have. I still have PTSD over EACH AND EVERY time someone has been mad or even irritated with me over how I feel about the pandemic and restrictions. ABSOLUTELY NOTHING is scarier to me than the thought of people hating me for that. (Please don't lecture me over how that should not be the scariest thing to me. That is not how you make it less scary for me - lecturing me about anything related to the pandemic makes it MORE scary to me.)

It's scary enough living in this reality, where I'm only 95% sure that by the time the pandemic is over I'll have unintentionally offended half of my friends (both online and IRL) to the point of them hating me forever. I don't want to have another dream like those ever again! I'm seriously considering never sleeping again until the pandemic is over. I may or may not follow through with that (after all I'm a bit drowsy right now and may very well go to bed soon), but I figured I should give you a better idea of how UTTERLY TERRIFYING the idea of being hated over the pandemic is for me. (EDIT: Well, I did end up going to bed after all. At 5 AM, but still. I don't remember what my dreams were, but they must have been better than the ones from the previous night. But, again, the fact reminds that I am so terrified of being hated for anything related to the pandemic that I was briefly considering staying awake forever to avoid having dreams where that happened.)

For more on why this is the case, here's a couple of earlier entries where I found out that there's a term for the type of anxiety I have (rejection sensitive dysphoria):

LJ links:
DW links:
charlie the unicorn bad connection


So... Remember all those times when I panicked because LJ or DW or some other site I like (or sometimes not even one I like!) went down for a few minutes or hours and I thought it might turn out to be a permanent outage? Remember when sometimes I even thought it might be an indication that the entire Internet might go down?

That's because I was afraid that something like what happened TODAY would happen.

I know some of you thought I was overreacting those times when I saw websites go down temporarily. Even I eventually looked back on those times and thought I was overreacting. But, apparently, I was right after all - it IS possible for hundreds of websites to go down at once without warning. I know they're claiming that the issue has been fixed, but has it REALLY been fixed? Apparently some sites are still experiencing issues hours later. Those hours could turn into weeks or even years. And even if the entire issue IS resolved, how do we know it won't happen again?!

(pathvain_aelien, I know you told me that websites go down all the time and it's not a big deal. But this IS different! It's usually not HUNDREDS of websites all at once! Look it up!)

We should all be scared. VERY scared. HOW IS ANYONE CALM ABOUT THIS?!


Will the pandemic ever ACTUALLY end? Like, these days about 80% of the time it feels like things are improving enough that the pandemic will actually end, maybe even this year. But this is part of the other 20%. Because I STILL see people who think the pandemic will never actually end, which leads to me worrying that they could be right.

And will my PTSD over all the shaming that's happened ever end? I STILL am reminded a lot that so many awful people actually think that hugs and handshakes etc. SHOULD be forbidden forever and that people need to stop expecting anything to go back to normal. I'm still reminded a lot that people get angry at each other just for travelling AT ALL, even when complying with guidelines as best they can.

(Something I should have clarified a long time ago but I don't think I have yet: Many people have told me that it's more common that people get yelled at or scolded FOR wearing a mask, or FOR complying with other guidelines, etc. than the reverse. That's probably true. But the reverse does happen as well, and because of my social anxiety and my PTSD over the era when it seemed plausible that NOTHING would return to normal, the reverse is A LOT more terrifying to me personally. Does that make more sense?)

I need help. Now. I need someone to talk to who understands me. If you know of anything that can help me feel better, or any actual proof that the restrictions won't last forever, or anything that can help me feel like I'm NOT a bad person for having wanted things to not be cancelled or delayed so that I wouldn't end up having PTSD, etc., please let me know. Even if you feel like you'd be repeating yourself if you told me that things will get better or that I'm not a bad person.

I wish I didn't depend on validation from others so much just to not be depressed. :(
liberty mutual sense-make

Hi. I'm still here. Still.

Yeah, I haven't posted in a while. But at least that's better than posting really stupid entries like I usually do, right?

I've been feeling REALLY bad lately about how bad I am at wording things. Over the last few months, I seem to be coming across as angry when I'm not more often than usual - even in non-pandemic-related conversations now. :(

About a year ago, I posted here about how while I've made a lot of mistakes and worded things really badly in my recent entries, it's still nothing compared to my much older entries. But it's been pointed out to me (and I've also realized on my own) that my recent entries aren't really much better after all - in fact, I may even be getting WORSE at making sense and not coming across as rude or angry or accidentally hurting others' feelings. Not to mention the excuse that I was younger and didn't know better no longer applies - if it was even a valid excuse to begin with (I've seen people get judged or hated for things they said decades ago).

I feel like no matter how hard I try to be a good person, I'm forever doomed to be a bad person because of all my mistakes (which I can probably only be forgiven for, like, two or three of). In fact, I probably got to this point BEFORE the pandemic. I certainly dug myself even deeper into that hole during the pandemic, but by 2018 or 2019 (maybe even early 2017) I was already at the point that I couldn't get out. :(

I've talked to my sister about things like this and she says that the fact that I'm not great at coping with stress doesn't mean I'm a bad person; it means I'm a person with autism who doesn't handle stress well. If that's true, then why have I so often been seen (often times BY others with autism) as a bad person for simply being unable to word things perfectly or control my emotions perfectly in stressful situations?